Love Disorder Read online

  This morning was no different. At seven sharp, she went to the kitchen, laptop in hand, a bored expression on her face. Sometimes she'd switch it to arrogant, know-it-all, or displeased. It was my job to see what mood she was in so we wouldn't start arguing for no reason. I was careful to keep my questions to a minimum, but sometimes I couldn't help myself, so I'd ask a tidbit about her.

  Uno liked intellectual conversations. One time I asked her about the subject of human behavior, and she willingly answered with a professor-like discussion. I was a willing student who listened well. What she hated were small talks. Whenever I'd ask about Blaze, she'd look at me like I was stepping on a line I shouldn't cross. She always thought of Blaze as someone separate from her.

  "What are you reading?" I asked, placing a steaming cup of coffee in front of her. She was hunched over her laptop. That rarely happened. She preferred to sit straight as a rod, except when she was engulfed with her readings. I got back to the stove to collect the food I've made.

  "The cases of dissociative identity disorder throughout history," she said. "It's remarkable that some of them only discovered that they had the condition after committing a crime. Of course one of the identities did it, but the other selves wouldn't know because amnesia would come into play. Do you know that one person was reported to have one hundred identities?"

  I took the plateful of pancake and placed it on the table. "Nope, but that's a bit problematic."

  "You think?" she said sarcastically.

  I paused to stare at her. "By the way, I've been doing my own reading," I said. "From what I've understood in DID, there's a legal personality who takes the birth name of the host. In this case it's Blaze. So does it mean that she's the original self?" My breathing became strained as I waited for her to answer. I wasn't even sure if I was allowed to ask such a question, or if she would acknowledge or deny anything. Let's call it curiosity trying to kill me.

  For the first time today, her eyes left her laptop to stare at me. She wasn't mad. She was thoughtful. Uno answered by saying, "We were both Blaze until your mother decided to name us. I thought Uno would be better because I'm always best at everything, so I took it. Blaze was too attached to her name anyway. With the question of which one of us came first, I do not know the answer. We were born, and there were two of us."

  How she could have discussed this as calmly as she was doing now was a mystery to me. Sometimes the scholarly side of her overshadowed everything. "But isn't that impossible?" I said. "In this type of condition, there's always one who is in control most of the time. Who is it between you and Blaze?"

  "As much as it displeases me, we both are." She said this like she wasn't open to further discussions.

  "Can I ask you a personal question then?"

  She cocked an eyebrow. "This isn't personal enough?"

  I shook my head as I sat opposite her. "Why didn't you tell your parents about it? They would have tried to understand." I checked for any signs of disgust that might tell me if her parents had a hand in her supposed abuse as a child, which lead her to develop this condition. She didn't give anything away. As Doctor Sanders said, neither Uno nor Blaze remembered their abusers.

  "It's better if my parents doesn't know. They will impede with my studies like what you're doing now, asking so many senseless questions." She slammed her laptop shut. "If you really want to help me, like what you've been promising Doctor Sanders, you will go to her office today to get the books I borrowed." She glanced at the glass wall and frowned. "And hurry. It's supposed to rain hard for the next couple of days starting today. It doesn't often rain as it should, but when it does, you know you're in for it."

  The rain that Uno mentioned was nothing more than a drizzle as I got into the van and sped into the road. Doctor Sanders' office was located thirty minutes from Uno's house. She had two offices-one downtown for most clients, and the other, which I concluded was for private patients, was my destination for today.

  I squinted at the piece of paper where Uno wrote the address. Her writing closely resembled what I've seen at the back of the picture on mom's notebook- pointy and close together. Blaze must have given that to mom, while Uno was the person who wrote the actual message. To what extent did they coordinate or contradict with one another, I wondered. Only the doctor would care to answer my questions.

  After double checking the address, I parked right outside the building. The van groaned before the engine died. I should really convince her to change the van into something newer. Upon glancing out, I noticed that the drizzle has turned into rain, making me curse under my breath. Uno was rich enough to buy anything she wanted, yet she couldn't get a decent car and an umbrella for me to borrow.

  I put the hoodie over my head and braced myself before opening the door. By the time I reached the building, I looked like a wet duck. My boots made a splish-splash sound as I went to the desk. The man behind it barely paid attention to me as he wrote on his directory. "Name please," he drawled.

  I removed my hood. "Riri Chance, here to see Doctor Sanders on the tenth floor."

  "Leave your ID."

  "I don't have one," I said sheepishly. "I forgot it back home." Truth was, I didn't want to give him mine.

  He clicked his tongue, giving me a look of displeasure. Well sorry for taking you from your holy grail of a directory, I thought as he turned to the phone and dialed a number. His demeanor changed when he spoke. "Doctor Sanders, this is from the front desk," he said pleasantly, complete with a smile. "A young woman, said her name was Riri Chance, wants to go to your office." He wrinkled his nose. "Okay, I'll tell her." He put the phone down. "You're free to visit the doctor."

  I smiled sardonically at him before heading for the elevators. Uno's behavior was somehow rubbing off on me. Her mistrust with people. Her sarcasm. I needed to talk to Doctor Sanders about this. I needed to talk to her about a lot of things.

  The light on the hallway of the tenth floor flickered as I walked. I squinted to see the window at the end of the corridor. The rain was pouring harder outside. I stopped when I saw the Doctor's name on the door. She had a sign that said, 'The doctor is in.' I knocked. "Come in," came her muffled reply inside.

  The office was divided into two parts- a lounge type with white sofa's, and an inner part with a desk, shelves, and even a television from what I could see by the door. She glanced up and adjusted her glasses when she heard me enter. "I'll be right there," she said with a smile. "Please take a seat."

  The sofa was plush and comfortable. I stared around while waiting for her. There was a plant in the corner, a pink carpet in the middle, and the room smelled relaxing like lavender. Doctor Sanders joined me seconds later. "Don't get up on my account," she said warmly. She took the seat opposite from mine.

  "I'm here to pick up Uno's books."

  "I know. While you're here, would you mind giving me an update regarding your home life with her? She visited me a few days back, and based on Uno's stories, you're both getting along which is surprising for her."

  "We are," I confirmed. "She's better than I first imagined." I glanced at my wet shoes and frowned. "Not as friendly as Blaze, but she's a good person."

  Doctor Sanders nodded. "They have very different personalities, but they're both interesting. I trust that she'd been drinking the medication that was prescribed?"

  "Yes she is." I would make sure of it. "Anyway Doctor, I've tried asking about her parents, but she doesn't want to answer. And what's more interesting was when I asked Uno what she think she looks like the other day, she told me that her hair was black, when in fact she had ash colored hair."

  "It's very typical of individuals experiencing DID to have a different perception of looks, height, weight, and self-image depending on which identity you ask. Even their goals are different," she reminded. "Uno thinks of herself as a scholar, which in fact is correct. Her goal is to get treatment and discover more things about this condition. Blaze in the meantime is an actress who wants to be number one. They pursue it
separately for their own goals and sometimes for each other."

  I took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay, I'll keep that in mind."

  "I'm sensing you want to ask me another question." She peered inquisitively at me behind her glasses. I hesitated. How should I put it in a way that she wouldn't think weirdly of me? "You can tell me anything," the Doctor said. "Have full confidence that our conversation will never get out."

  I chewed on my lower lip. "I've been feeling something lately, Doctor. I think it's sympathy, but not really." I stared at my hands. "Sometimes I want to console and protect her because of her condition. Other times I get really irritated, especially when Uno is sarcastic or when Blaze's jokes get out of hand." My gaze went to the Doctor. "But most of the time, I get so fascinated with her that I always want to be near her or get her approval. Is that normal?"

  She gave me a long measuring look before she said, "Attraction is fairly common Riri. It is nothing to be ashamed of."

  "Yes, but. . ." I swallowed. "It's with both of them. I mean, they share the same body and all. And their looks. But that's not really it. I like their separate personalities, and to top it off, I've never experienced this before. I'm very confused." I laughed humorlessly. "I'm not even making sense."

  "I understand you," she said. "You're given a glimpse of Uno and Blaze's situation, and that makes it easier to empathize with them."

  "You think it's empathy?"

  "As I've said, attraction is normal."

  I breathed in. "If it's something like that, then I can deal with. Thank you Doctor."

  "You're most welcome." She glanced at her watch. "There's another patient I need to meet soon. I'll give you the books, so you can be on your way." She stood. "It's raining hard outside. She might get worried." I didn't ask who she was referring to, Blaze or Uno. Doctor Sanders went to the other part of her office and grabbed five books from the shelves. She handed it to me briskly. "Call me when you need anything."

  I nodded. "Will do."

  My chest was lighter on the way to the elevator. The doctor explained it perfectly. Attraction was common. Empathizing with someone was normal. It didn't matter that Uno or Blaze were bestowed with a female body. The attraction I got from being near them was due to empathy and nothing more. I wasn't lesbian. The irrational thumping of my heart whenever she talked to me was commonplace. So was the need to be near her.

  All those thoughts disappeared when the elevator opened, and I saw Uno's face. "What are you doing here?" I asked in surprise.

  She pressed the button so the elevator door wouldn't close. I stepped inside. "It was silly of me to forget to lend you the umbrella when the weather is like this," she explained, pushing the button for the ground floor. The door closed behind me.

  I stared at her in disbelief. "You went all the way here for that? What about the staff at the front desk, didn't they recognize you?"

  "They all signed an NDA before I sought treatment here, including the cleaning staff so they won't be able to blab about me." She rolled her eyes. "And I didn't go all the way here to hand you an umbrella. The road is very slippery. I think the van won't make it." She moved farther into the elevator. "I don't want to be responsible for your death. I owe your mother a lot."

  "Oh. Well thanks anyway. Did you take the Hummer to drive here?"

  The elevator stopped abruptly before she could answer. The lights went out simultaneously, cloaking us in pitch blackness. I stood frozen in my place, hit by an overwhelming sense of being trapped in mere seconds. "Calm down," she said. "I think there's a power outage. The generator should kick in anytime." I didn't answer her. Stupid as it was, I imagined that the darkness would penetrate my mouth if I were to speak, and it would engulf me if I moved. "Strawberries?" she inquired.

  I raised my hand, wanting to see it in front of me. Nothing. I gulped. This has never happened to me before. I didn't have problems riding the elevator or being in the dark. But now that it was put together, I was starting to feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead, coupled with difficulty of breathing. I felt my way in the small, inky black space. The walls would close on me anytime. I whimpered.

  In the middle of my panic attack, a hand grabbed mine. No scream came out of my mouth. "There's nothing to be afraid of," came her soothing voice. "You won't die. It's just a lot of darkness." Uno tugged me to her. Her hands were sure and stable as it snaked around my waist. "Close your eyes," she murmured."And think we're back home."

  I nodded mutely and imagined. She was the rain. A strong but warm rain. Calming as the thought was, my body reacted differently. My heartbeat rose a notch, and the suffocation was replaced by an overwhelming sense of rush as I melted into her embrace. "My heart is going to burst," I said, my face flushing.

  "It's normal to feel like that when you're frightened," she said matter-of-factly.

  The darkness had nothing to do with it anymore. Doctor Sanders was wrong for once. What I was feeling for Uno and Blaze was not empathy. Her embrace told me all I needed to know, and I was scared.

  Chapter 15. Green Eyed

  It would have been nice to stay with Uno like that for a little while longer. To have our body pressed into one another. However, the elevator had other ideas. The lights eventually flickered open. Either the generator of the building was activated, or power has returned. I blinked rapidly, trying to adjust my eyes with the glare. Coming from a pitch dark elevator, it was peculiar to suddenly see again.

  Uno broke the embrace with a confused look on her face. She glanced quizzically around us, from the walls, to the ceiling, until her gaze landed on me. "Where are we, Riri?" were the first words she spoke.

  I swallowed. The switch came so sudden that I wasn't given time to prepare my feelings. "We're inside the elevator of Doctor Sanders office, Blaze. I went to get something for Uno, and she followed me so she could let me borrow her umbrella. The power went out a minute ago because of the rain."

  The puzzlement didn't leave her face. "Then why was she hugging you?" she inquired. The bafflement turned to a frown.

  "I got scared because the elevator stopped. I clutched to Uno when I panicked." I took a deep breath. I was only sticking to the truth. Why did I have to be this guilty?

  "Okay," she said. "Are you alright then? You're pale."

  I avoided her eyes. "Yeah. The blackout just surprised me. It's nothing really." Our conversation was cut short when the elevator activated and started moving down. I sighed in relief.

  The smug staff in the lobby was all smiles when he saw who I was with. Keep your jaw off the floor Mister, I thought. "Have a safe trip," he said giddily. "You too Riri." I glowered at him when we passed, which he didn't seem to notice while he was busy drooling after Blaze's back.

  The rain was still pouring hard outside. The guard handed a black umbrella to us, which I suspected was the one that Uno brought from earlier. My stomach churned at the thought of being closer to her. It was something I wouldn't get used to. Blaze opened the umbrella and pulled me to her side protectively, reminding me of who I was currently with.

  "Eyes on me tiger," she said, the corner of her mouth pulling upward. I missed that contagious smile. As one could imagine, Uno wasn't big on showing any other emotions, except for what she was comfortable with. It meant little to no smiling when I was with her. Blaze's smile in the meantime could make a rainy day like this bearable. "Ready?" she asked, taking one step forward. "I think we'll still get drenched."

  I shrugged. "It will dry off."

  We ran out of the building. Forget the van, the Hummer was parked across the street. The umbrella turned inside out while we were making a dash for it. Instead of fixing it, Blaze pulled me closer to her, as if that would shield me from the rain. We laughed hysterically when we got inside the Hummer. There was nothing funny about it, except for having our wet hair stuck to our mouth and cheek.

  "You look like a wet bunny," she said in between laughter.

  "And you look like a drowning koala," I retorted. "Close the
door. We're still getting wet because of the wind."

  She closed the umbrella quickly before tossing it on the back seat. Right after, she shut the door of the Hummer. "I hope we don't catch a cold." She shivered as she started the vehicle.

  "I'll make you warm milk when we get home," I promised. The backpack I brought for the trip was as wet as our hair. I tossed it at the back, together with the umbrella. Hopefully the books I've borrowed for Uno was dry inside. We began to move away from the building as Blaze stepped on the gas.

  "Has it been days?" she said, referring to her absence. If it was me in her situation, I would have always wondered what day it was and what I have missed. It made me think of the movie I've watched with mom and Carter. The main character woke up and found out thousands of years have passed. That would be terrible.

  "Yes it is," I answered while staring out the window. "How do you feel?"

  "Like it was just yesterday since I last saw you." She checked her face in the rearview mirror. "Oh gosh, I see a white hair there."

  I snorted. "Don't be silly. You're still cute."

  She didn't look convinced as she stared back on the road. "More beautiful than Uno?"

  Why was she asking me this question? I wasn't sure how to answer her, so I segued with an, "Are you hungry? We can swing by a drive-through."

  "Sure. I have a fast metabolism so I'm always hungry, though in this case, I don't know if we've eaten breakfast." She glanced at me. "Did she?" Blaze frowned. "On second thought, there's no need to answer the question. Knowing her, she probably ate and took care of herself."

  "That's good for you too," I reminded her. "Anyway, I'm starving for fries."

  She turned left. "Then let me buy you some."

  The trip back to the house took quicker than before. Maybe it was because of Blaze's company. She demanded that I feed her fries, putting her driving as an excuse for her laziness to eat on her own. It made for a good banter.

  Though I was ecstatic that she was here again, I was also bothered by Uno's absence. Maybe this was what it was like to want to live in another place though you loved where you were born too. Sometimes you couldn't decide where you really wanted to stay, making you stuck somewhere in the middle. Not moving forward. Not quite stepping back. I hated that I was feeling all of these when I was used to being emotionally stable.