To Be a Lesbian Read online

  I tapped my chin. "Aside from its relevance and how it will help us understand sexuality in general? Nothing in particular. It's Casper who's passionate about them. Consider this project a chance to indulge my older brother and leave my mark on the world." Lulu's eyes sparkled with interest. She'd been crushing on Casper since the 8th grade when she saw him skinny dipping in the pool. She'd always say that it was his personality she was attracted to, not his six pack and face. Yeah right. "Go to sleep, Lu. We'll talk about this when we get settled in the house."

  Everything about Lulu at this point would be sketchy to you, reader. I have introduced you to her voice, but you needed more than that to go on. Each of us had a Lulu, a best friend. Yours could be a tall, black-haired girl who loved to sing in the shower for an imaginary audience. It could also be a redhead who was better at everything than you. No offense. My Lulu was a dark-skinned beauty with a defined jaw, brown eyes, and a shy smile. She was my Watson. The moon to my sun. The no to my yes. The hoe don't to my do it. You got the picture.

  She was there when I rallied a campaign about the injustice that the cafeteria lady was getting from the higher ups and the dishwashers. She was there, rubbing my back sympathetically next to the toilet bowl, as I regurgitated more than five hotdogs and their corresponding buns after winning the contest. She was there when I stood before the crowd on graduation day, delivering my valedictorian speech. For each blunder I made, Lulu had been there saying, "I told you so." Of course she was also there warning me beforehand. If only I wasn't too hardheaded to listen.

  She was suppose to take a year off after high school until I convinced her to settle with me to my new home, near my new college, and my new life. It was always easier to face things when Lulu was with me, not to mention I needed a Watson to my Sherlock, especially now that I decided to start a project.

  "Dibs on the attic," Lulu said once we reached the new house. I dropped the suitcases on the floor and stared around my domain, our clubhouse for the next four years or so, depending on whether I'd take other courses or masters degree. The place was small yet comfortable-looking. Daddy had taken care of all the details before we got here. It was among the last things I would have my parents do for me. I didn't want them to interfere with my life as a college student.

  "You do know that it's not called an attic, right? It's a second floor," I said, kicking the door shut behind me. Lulu had made her way to the windows so she could open the lovely shutters I have so obsessed about when buying the house. The afternoon light that streamed inside added warmth and coziness to the place. I could already imagine us cooking on the country style kitchen with its blue-tiled backsplash and quirky pink fridge; or talking on the white sofa on the living room with one foot dangling carelessly on the couch's arm as we munched on cheat meals.

  Lulu poked her head out of the window and inhaled deeply. "Hello world!" she yelled. "We're going to have so much fun here." What was she doing?

  I pulled her back before we attracted unwanted attention from the neighbors. "They're going to think we're weirdo's," I chastised. "On our first day too. Go to your room, young lady, and think about the repercussions of your actions."

  Lulu turned to me, eyebrows raised. She was wrong if she thought she was going to win against me on a stare off. I looked right back at her with a steely gaze. Her nose twitched. My cheek itched. "Eeeeee!" we both screamed, jumping up and down, clasping our hands together. Okay, that probably wasn't the reaction you expected. But what could we do? This was our first day away from home, the trip to France, New Zealand, Cambodia, Philippines, and so many others from before, not included. We had newfound freedom for the first time. No parents for years.

  "Which room should we fix first?" she asked excitedly. I pointed to her bags, forgotten on the floor where we left it. "Mine it is." Most of what we brought were personal trinkets. The things we really needed, like clothes and extra stuff, were transported beforehand by moving crews, arranged meticulously by helpers that daddy hired. "Help me with this," Lulu said, taking one end of her big suitcase. I took the other end and almost dropped it. "Careful," she warned. "Something may explode."

  "What's inside?" I said suspiciously. Lulu faced forward so she was pulling the luggage while I trudged after her on the stairs. I didn't break a sweat from the heavy lifting. It was nothing compared to carrying a grown man in Cambodia. For our brief stay there, the monks have taught us a thing or two, sometimes verging on the extreme when they felt like it. The old leader in particular had a bad habit of making me carry him when I was too cocky for my own good. Modesty was still absent when the training was over, but it made me strong. "Answer my question," I nagged.

  When we reached the second floor landing, Lulu dropped on her knees and unzipped the luggage. Books, bottles, rolled papers, and thingamajigs spilled out. I groaned. This again. "I had to take it with me," she justified. "My parents would have dumped them in the trash when I left."

  I took a voodoo doll from the lot, a brown cottony thing with pins and needles stuck on its body. It was her prized possession. "See this right here is the reason why Casper doesn't notice you," I said. "If it weren't for this, you could have been a happy couple a long time ago." I dropped the doll back to the bag. "Tell me the truth. Is this the reason why you're taking a year off from school? I heard from your mom that you were accepted in college."

  Lulu squeezed her things inside the bag and quickly zipped it close, away from my scrutiny. "Yes, no, maybe," she struggled to answer. "I'm trying to find myself. You should understand of all people. You're always talking about helping society figure out themselves. I'm only doing the same."

  "With voodoo dolls?"

  She dragged the heavy suitcase by herself. "It wouldn't hurt if Casper falls for me along the way," she mumbled. That's what I didn't get about her. She could steal his heart without resorting to this strangeness. Lulu stopped in front of a door. "This is me. I'm going to ask you nicely to stay away from this place so you won't get creeped out by my things. Do you need help with your bags?"

  I showed her my arms proudly. "You've forgotten about the monk." While I was suffering from the Cambodian's silly punishment, she and Casper were on the side sitting on gigantic rocks, watching me while sipping their fruit juices. Not just any fruit juices, mind you, but freshly squeezed ones from the mountains. How was that fair? And where did they get the straws? The place was supposed to be zero reception and minimal grandeur. Oh well. Past was past. "We'll do grocery shopping later or tomorrow for the house," I said. "Ready yourself."

  "But I'm jet lagged," she whined. "Can't this wait?"

  "The thought doesn't thrill me, but there's no rest for the weary." I prepared to depart for my own things, one hand on the wooden railing of the stairs when I paused. "Lulu?"

  "Yeah?"

  "It's important to me that you're here," I said. "Makes things a bit easier."

  She snorted. "Why do I get the feeling that you're going to do something incredibly bad and I'm going to be stuck in the middle of it like always?" She'd said the same words when we were vacationing in Hawaii once. It was right before I pushed her off the cliff. She might have broken her leg that day, and I might have had to push her on a wheelchair for three months before she fully healed, but who was judging?

  "Don't entertain that kind of feeling, Lu. It's bad luck. Not that I believe in those things. You're the superstitious person here. Anyway, thanks for coming."

  "You don't need to thank me. I won't be much help anyway," she said. "You're Scotland Roth, jack of all trades, master of everything. Your obsession with your current projects is so scary, I'll just get in the way." I gave her a brief smile before continuing down the stairs. Everything she said about me was true, except for that bit about me not needing her. A protagonist would be nothing without her sidekick. Vice versa for her own story.

  After our talk, I went to each room on the first floor, taking note of my surroundings. Apart from the kitchen and living room, the house was equipped with a
study. It was going to be my command center, my lair, and there on the smooth wooden desk was where I'd write my research and possible conclusions. My target time frame for conducting interviews and data gathering would be four months before school started. Studies should be longer, but I could always add information in the coming years.

  Once I had decided that the house was a good environment for us, I went upstairs again, to the room that Lulu didn't occupy, just across the hall. It was a broom closet compared to my old one in the Roth's estate, but it was still bigger than the dorm rooms the university would provide. It was best if I got used to it as soon as possible. That's why I was here this early. So I wouldn't look like a pampered freak next to the other students.

  Last night before sleeping, I talked to the house helps to ask them about the things I should know about in the house. Ridiculous questions like how to operate what, and which was which. It was funny when you thought about it. Funnier still that I used the remaining hours watching videos about the society I would be part of. Being a Roth was to be separated from that for most of my life.

  Speaking of society, my personal project wasn't to be ignored. Jumping on the bed, I opened my laptop and pulled up the Word document. On the first page I typed, 'To be a Lesbian, by Scotland Roth.' Enter. Enter. Indentation.

  'Society has different views on the subject of sexuality. For a specific group, it is brought by environmental factors, such as the people you encounter every single day, and the family you grew up with. Another minority views it as a choice, while a broadminded few attributes it to genetics.'

  'In my search for the truth, we will answer the question, What does it take to be a lesbian? Whether it is caused by an environmental effect, a subject of choice, or a matter of genetics, we will find out with the use of fact-finding, fieldwork, and total scrutiny, backed up with years of research by leading experts. As an outsider, I will keep an open mind and will not be subject to bias. It is all in hopes of finding an answer, and helping society understand itself so we can take a grand step into the future.'

  Chapter 3

  The first five days of our new life were spent rooting ourselves to the mundane. Washing dishes became a sport. Cooking was an adventure for the palate and our senses. I've found an appreciation for colors and bubbles with the help of laundry. It was a pity though that Lulu didn't share the same sentiments. While I had taken to this life like Christopher Columbus settling in the country he colonized for the motherland, Lulu was a forlorn crewmate who had trouble adapting to the culture. But never you mind. She'd be good at it later.

  On our sixth day as residents, I was woken by an unbearably horrible smell coming from downstairs. Taking my bathrobe from the chair where I left it last night, I made my way out of the room with quick steps. Lulu's door from across the hall was ajar, which meant she wasn't inside. "Lu?" I said, tying my robe tighter. "Where are you?" Perhaps she was in the kitchen, preparing breakfast for us. She did promise to surprise me with something special before going to bed.

  I haven't taken the first step to the stairs when I noticed the fog coating the room below. Then it hit me. A strong foul smell like the sewers Lulu accidentally got herself into when traveling in Asia. I was with Casper and Lulu that day, as our usual modus. If Lulu had been more careful, if she'd been looking at the street instead of gushing at my brother, she'd have seen the manhole and wouldn't get stuck midway. Then we wouldn't have needed the help of the fire department and the rescue team. It was so embarrassing to be thought of as a group of clumsy teens. Come to think of it, when the three of us were together, it always meant trouble.

  The more I descended the stairs, the more convinced I was that I have woken up to war. Maybe the Russians or Chinese got tired of us and decided to go all out. My imagination went haywire. A bomb explosion would be accompanied by a blinding flash, like lightning, but so much worse. The wave of radiation would bring heat strong enough to set combustible things on fire even at a far distance. Things you only saw in movies would be present. It was a matter of time before people turned into mutants. With both feet planted on the first floor, I prepared myself for the worst.

  "Hi there, Scotland," Lulu greeted, whizzing past me. She had a tacky green apron on, a ladle on one hand, bandana on her glorious curly hair. Surely, that wouldn't be her outfit for war. Or was it? I followed her to the foggy kitchen, fanning the air with my hands. "Please sit. Breakfast is almost ready," she said. I opened the nearest window first, taking in the sights of the neighborhood. Houses weren't burnt, people weren't screaming, there were neither wars nor bomb explosions, only Lulu preparing food. I sighed in relief.

  That was the only downside of knowing too much. The scenarios you could conjure were brutal, especially when you lacked sleep because you spent the night prior researching. I went to my respective chair next to the circular table, glad that the clean air from the window was replacing the poison in the kitchen.

  I haven't made myself fully comfortable when Lulu scooped brownish liquid from the boiling pot to a smaller bowl, and brought it in front of me on the table. I gagged at the smell of rotten eggs but tried hard not to let it show. "Not to be super inquisitive." I eyed the bowl. "But what is this thing?" It bubbled and spewed, the makings of something long and yellowish starting to float on the surface. A bone marrow, maybe. Lulu's jaw tightened. "Never mind," I said. "Bon appétit."

  Perhaps it was the kind of exotic food we tasted once. Don't judge the book by its cover as they said. I took a spoonful of Lulu's dish and put it in my mouth. This. This wasn't that kind of food. I pounded my fist on the table. "Water," I croaked.

  Lulu dashed to the sink without thinking twice, going back to me with a glass. I pinched my nose and drowned my throat with the cool liquid, my elixir. If only it was enough to get rid of the slime. Her shoulders sagged. "I followed the recipe to the last period," she said. "I can't imagine what went wrong." Lulu dipped a finger on the bowl and licked it clean. Her face contorted. "Eew! That's nasty." Something buzzed from another part of the house. "That's the dryer. I think the clothes are ready." She left my side to attend to it.

  Meanwhile, I took the stinky breakfast and ditched it in the trash. Nobody would be eating that anytime soon. It would be cruelty. Lulu was back when I turned around, her lips pursed. "Something wrong?" I said.

  Her eyes lowered on the rag she was holding. Where did she get that? "I'll pay for your sweater and shirt. And that other shirt." She fidgeted. "In fact, let's go shopping one of these days. We're running out of clothes."

  I sighed. "What color this time?"

  "I didn't mix the white from the colored if that's what you're asking," she confessed. "More like your clothes shrunk." Did she mean to say that the tattered blue thing on her hand was my shirt? That was an original, made especially for me. Her eyes watered. "I don't get how you can be so good at things in just days while I monumentally suck. We're total opposites. How can you stand me?"

  I rubbed her back gently in circles. "There, there. Don't say those things. You're my Watson. Sherlock would be lost without him. We have different strengths, that's all. And hey, we need to go out today, so we can go shopping for clothes too. I wasn't able to tell you yesterday because I was busy. It's time we get out of the house and explore the neighborhood. We're ready for this."

  "What about breakfast?" She sniffed.

  I steered her out of the kitchen, to the front door. "Breakfast can wait."

  "We can't go out with you looking like that. You're wearing pajamas."

  I glanced down to my bare feet and silk jammies. "Right. Rendezvous here in an hour."

  If you thought about it, I could hire someone to sweep the floor and wipe the windows once or twice a week. I could go to the laundry shop and have people take care of the clothes for us. We could order food every day and for the rest of our lives. Why didn't we? While those would be convenient, we wouldn't learn from the experience. We would be another pretty faces with bright minds and large bank accounts. It was time fo
r a change.

  Lulu was in an acceptable outfit when I came down, plus a handbag. "Keys," I said. She tossed me a copy. "Smartphone." She showed me hers. "Good. How much money do you have?"

  "A few hundred bucks," she said.

  I rolled my eyes. "Look who's taking advantage of her family name. Whatever, let's go."

  You might wonder why we were taking precautions with the keys and whatnot, making a fuss before leaving. She and I, with Casper in tow, loved to see places when we were in high school. It had led to many misadventures like keys getting lost and Casper winding up with a different tour group. All part of being a traveler. We were still strangers in this town, so we would need to stay vigilant.

  Ten minutes into walking, I congratulated myself with sticking to this place and not going out of the country for university like what some of my high school classmates did. I liked the idea of having Casper in the neighboring state where he was attending college. It comforted me to have him near. The neighborhood was also beautiful. The shingled homes and well-maintained yards were identical to the properties we saw in New England while traveling.

  Pedestrians in different ages walked by with their backpacks and unlimited conversations. People who rode their bicycles pedaled lazily like they have all the time in the world. The small shop we passed was playing indie music from a band I didn't recognize. Nevertheless, I hummed the last few beats I was able to catch as we went along. A sleepy town like this could have belonged in a different country, maybe somewhere in Europe, yet there it was in one of the wider know locales of ours. A blessing for anyone who wanted to get away without really meaning to. Thus, I was here.

  Lulu tugged at my sleeves and pointed at a distance. "There's a bookstore down the street, Scottie. Want to go before we grab breakfast?"